Mission Impossible 4:Edward Elric
by brokenseraphim
Summary: Ed hated moving,he really did. Especially now that his dad bought a pink house, and the most popular guy at school had teamed up with the outcast to make Ed popular. Something that was impossible, at least that's what everyone else thought.Roy x Ed x Envy
1. Moving

Summary: Edward hated moving, he really did. Especially now that his dad bought a pink house, and the most popular guy at his school and the outcast has teamed up to make him popular. (this is based on the ultra cool drama, Nobuta Wo Produce)

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FMA OR ANYTHING IN IT. IF I DID, THERE WOULD BE A TON OF HAWT YAOI ACTION IN EVERY EPISODE!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

_According to my philosophy, everything in the world is a game. That included life. Everyday is a repeat of pointless stuff. People in this world that are considered "dangerous" are nothing more than children, and yet in this world full of "children", the one who becomes serious loses the game._

_Roy Mustang's first diary entry_

**Mission Impossible 4: Edward Elric**

**Chapter 1: Moving**

The heat was unbearable.

It was scorching hot inside the car even with the air conditioner on full blast. But Edward Elric didn't complain, he was never the type to. The blonde was merely content looking out the window at the repetitive landscape that was pretty much…nothing. His father was chatting happily with his brother - Alphonse - about god knows what, every now and then asking for his opinion on something and he would simply nod—everything was in routine.

Unfortunately, the radio was broken and there was no music, the only exception being Ed's I-pod, but his dad and Al wouldn't want to listen to the "crap" he had on that thing anyway.

"So, Ed," his dad asked good-naturedly, "you excited about moving?"

Edward snorted not taking his eyes off the oh so interesting landscape passing outside the window, "Oh yes father," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "I'm excited as a dog who just got run over, now I don't have to worry about getting neutered!"

Al shot a disapproving frown at Ed and Hoenheim's smile drooped a bit, but he didn't say anything and just kept his concentration on the road.

"You've been driving for a pretty long time now, Dad, you want to stop somewhere for a bit to stretch our legs?" Al commented, trying to change the subject as fast as he could.

Hohenheim's frown slowly lifted into a full fledged smile, "That's a great idea Alphonse. Why don't we stop to get a drink and eat since it'll be a while till we reach the place?"



"That's sounds great dad." Alphonse nodded in agreement while Ed shrugged, not wanting to admit that his legs were stiff and he was seriously thirsty.

After a few minutes, Light found a Starbucks and pulled into the parking lot. Al practically jumped out of the car happily stretching his cramped legs while Ed took his time getting out, still attempting to uphold his façade of indifference.

After ordering their respective drinks, Al declared that he had to use the restroom, "Ed, can you come to the restroom with me?"

Edward raised an eyebrow, "Aren't you old enough to go to the restroom yourself, Al?"

Al blushed, "Please nii-san, just come."

"No, you can go by yourself Al."

"Please, nii-san."

"No, that's gross!"

"Please?

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"NO."

"PLEASE?"

"I SAID NO, AL"

That's when he decided to bust out the puppy dog eyes.

"No, Al, stop it." Ed turned his head away, damn it, he hated when his brother did this to him, not matter how much he tried to ignore him he couldn't resist those eyes. He sighed, "Ok, Ok, I'll go."

Hohenheim chuckled; those boys never grew up did they? Al did a silent victory dance in his head and dragged his older brother to the restroom.

"Okay, Al, go do your thing." Edward sighed; he really didn't need this right now.

"Nii-san, you know that isn't why I called you in here." Al frowned at him. "Can't you at least try to be nice to dad? You know how hard it is for him. He doesn't need you acting so stubborn 

and making a big fuss over something small like moving. It's hard on all of us—not to mention, it's probably the worse for dad. Won't you try to bear it, even if for just a bit?"

"I know, I know," Ed muttered. "But I really don't like any of this. We'll have to go to a new school…and then new people…"

"Don't complain, Nii-san. I know you had…problems with the students at our old school, but you're getting a fresh start now right? You have got to take advantage of this oppurtunity," Al said, attempting to cheer his older brother up a bit.

Ed sighed," Yeah, I guess you're right….I suppose I should apologize to dad huh? Geez, I hate apologizing."

"Just get out there, nii-san."

The shorter Elric groaned," Yeah, yeah."

He had a right to be upset, but not at his father. He knew that, yet he couldn't help himself. He ran a hand through his blond hair, sighing, as he headed back to where his father was sitting quietly, clutching his cup of coffee as he stared out the window at the passing cars.

"Dad," the middle aged man looked up, "I'm sorry."

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"It's so…PINK." Al cocked his head sideways hoping that if he looked at the monstrosity before him at a different angle it would seem less PINK.

PINK was probably the best way to describe the "house", everything was PINK--hot pink, light pink, for god's sake even the flowers were PINK

Ed could have sworn he was going to go blind from all the PINK.

Light laughed nervously, "I guess that was why the house was so cheap," he said, rubbing his head sheepishly. "Well, we'll just have to paint it! Other than that everything else seems fine."

He was wrong; the inside of the house was PINK too.

"Dad?" Ed asked him.

Hohenheim turned to him, smiling, "Yes, son?"

"Why didn't you first check pictures of the house before you bought it?"

Light looked thoughtful for a moment, "Well, I hadn't really thought about it. The house was pretty cheap and it was near your school and my office, so I thought heck why not?" he replied. 

Ed and Al groaned in unison, their father was considered a scientific genius and yet….he was stupid enough to buy a house without checking out the specific details.

Ed hated moving, and now Al knew why.

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	2. Palm Tree

Summary: Edward hated moving, he really did. Especially now that his dad bought a pink house, and the most popular guy at his school and the outcast has teamed up to make him popular. (this is VERY loosely based on the ultra cool drama, Nobuta Wo Produce)

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FMA OR ANYTHING IN IT. IF I DID, THERE WOULD BE A TON OF HAWT YAOI ACTION IN EVERY EPISODE!

Note: this is a YAOI FIC that means boy on boy, no likey no read!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

_In the world of children that I am apart of, I will climb to the top. I will succeed, with pride and glory. All it is, is a game, press the right buttons and you win, I'm already on my way to the last level._

_Roy Mustang's second diary entry_

**Mission Impossible 4: Edward Elric**

**Chapter 2: Palm Tree**

Ed couldn't help but smile softly as he watched Al childishly try to balance his weight on the sidewalk curb, stumbling every so and so. But his smile was immediately replaced with a grimace as he spotted the bright yellow sign in the shape of an "M", finally remembering why exactly he and Al were out at seven p.m. walking the unfamiliar streets.

Hohenheim had been given a load of work to do, despite only just moving in a week ago. They hadn't even had the time to adjust, boxes were still left unpacked, the fridge was still half empty, and the house was still PINK despite Hohenheim's promise to remodel it. Everything was just so hectic, it was hard to keep up with everything that needed to be done.

Because of his workload, the blonde, bespectacled middle aged man had to work overtime and he did it often, which meant Al and Ed had to find a way to provide for themselves. In an attempt to solve the problem, Hohenheim had left a twenty dollar bill with a map he had drew on a napkin to the nearest food place…which happened to be McDonald's. If you asked Ed, he would have told you that the bastard just made things worse.

Ed absolutely loathed fast food, it disgusted him.

"Nii-san."

The older Elric's head snapped up, staring at his younger brother in question.

"We're here."



Ed felt like he was going to barf. Even though they had yet to step into the cramped, dirty, fast food restaurant, the smell was already suffocating him. Grimacing more than ever, Ed followed his lively brother in to the hell hole that served crap in a paper bag and made you pay way too much for it.

Al looking innocent as usual looked up at the menu above the cashier, eyes curious, "Nii-san, what do you want to eat?"

The blonde shrimp stared at the "kitchen" behind the counter and could feel his stomach wrench as he watched them dump a bunch of stripped potatoes into a boiling vat of fat. Shuddering, he muttered, "Whatever, Al, get me anything." He'd be damned if he ate something like that, but if it were to make Al happy he'd do it, even if it may leave him traumatized for life.

Sighing, while clutching his stomach, Ed made his way to the booth in the corner, the one that seemed the cleanest. Everything was fine, and Ed thought the squirming feeling in his stomach was slowly fading away when he was hit, head on, with some unknown source.

Ed let out a moan of pain as he felt the edge of the table dig into his lower back, and whatever that landed on him was very heavy…and breathing. The boy's golden eyes widened and he let out a gasp as the pain slowly faded away and he was able to make out details of the THING on top of him.

Black leather that was encasing a muscular yet lithe body was pressed against his face without mercy, and he could make out long green-black hair that pooled around him.

There was a groan from the THING that had landed on top of him, and the THING gradually climbed off of the poor Elric. Groaning, he straightened himself and Ed took a look his "attacker"…and THING was immediately replaced with Palm Tree.

Ed frowned, thoroughly confused, his "attacker" was still a THING because the poor fifteen year old boy still couldn't tell if this Palm Tree was male or female. Thick handfuls of green-black hair was held back by a black headband and the lithe body that had crushed Ed's tiny figure just moments earlier was clad in a leather half tank top and a black skort. Weirdo.

It was then that Ed remembered the chest that had been pressed against his face was muscular and not…tissue-y…? He couldn't help but blush thinking that he had shared such an odd position with a male androgynous.

Ed's thoughts were knocked out of mind when he heard the Palm Tree talk, "Wow you're short."

Ed twitched, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN A TINY GRAIN OF RICE YOU GODDAMN PALM TREE??"

"Nii-san! What are you doing?" Ed snapped his head at his younger brother, still angry that he got mulled over by a fucking palm tree and the first thing this palm tree did was insult his height. 

Edward was NOT SHORT…just vertically challenged…there's a big difference! At least in Ed's dictionary.

The Palm Tree blinked at the two brothers and then let out a laugh that would probably make a ten year old shit himself, but thankfully Ed wasn't a ten year old, although he looked like one.

"You're cute you know that?"With that the green haired weirdo took the few steps towards Edward, grabbed his chin and tilted his head up, and let his lips fall onto his.

In short, Ed was shocked.

Pulling his lips away, the Palm Tree grinned at the flushed shorty, "Until we meet again Chibi-chan." Edward shivered as he felt the Palm Tree's breath against his ear.

Straightening, the violet eyed teen flashed another grin. Pivoting on his foot, green hair flying, he headed for the restaurant's exit.

"WAIT!"

Curious, the Palm Tree turned around, immediately side-stepping, and narrowly dodged a well thrown punch from a pissed of Elric. The skort clad man peered with interested at the small boy, his cheeks were flushed red from more than just anger and he was panting heavily. He smirked this kid was starting to give him some dirty thoughts…

"What is it Chibi-chan? Or do you want more?" The Palm Tree's voice was low and husky and Edward could feel his cheeks go up like lanterns.

"N-no! I don't want more, you damn molester, and stop calling me Chibi! But I'm warning you, if I ever see you again, I—I'll castrate you!"

"Well, if that's all, my Chibi-chan, than I guess I'll just be leaving." Blowing Ed a kiss he waltzed out of McDonald's before the poor blonde could figure out what just happened.

"Nii-san?"

Ed could feel his neck give a small crack as he turned too fast to face his brother. He blushed harder, if that was possible. After all, his own little brother had just witnessed him being kissed by another guy…a very attractive guy but the world would be damned if you ever got Ed to admit it out loud.

"W-w-what is it Al?" Goddamn that Palm Tree, he had reduced Ed into a stuttering mess! No one does that to Edward Elric, ever!

"Uhhh…well, I think we should go home." The taller Elric said, subtly pointing around the fast food restaurant towards the other customers who had watched the entire incident.



"Oh... yeah let's go." Walking as fast he could Ed made his way towards the exit that the Palm Tree had just went through a couple minutes before, Al following behind him. They bathed in an awkward silence all the way till they finally reached their home. The brothers had decided to just eat some cereal, shower, and then sleep since they had school the next day.

When they had settled in their very PINK kitchen a bowl of cereal in front of the both of them (Cocoa Pebbles for Al, Honey Nut Cheerios for Ed) they, once more, bathed in that all too familiar silence, Ed poking at his dry cereal with a plastic spoon. (He would die before he ever touched that damned white liquid people called milk.)

It was what Al said next that caused Ed to choke on a particularly big Cheerio.

"Nii-san, are you gay?"

Whatever was in Ed's mouth at that time had decided it wanted out, bits of cereal came flying out of the Chibi's mouth, spraying all over the kitchen table.

"Nii-san! Nii-san, are you okay?" Al had shot up from his seat and had used the Cocoa Pebbles cereal box to block any debris that came out of his brother's mouth. Getting out of his chair, the younger brother rushed towards Ed when he realized that he was choking. He pounded on his back until he saw something fly from Ed's mouth.

Edward coughed a bit, still beating his chest. "WHAT?"

Al laughed nervously, "Well, I've just been thinking is all. You know…after that whole incident with that guy in McDonald's."

"Look Al," Ed stood up, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, "That guy was just weird okay? I'm not gay, it was all a mistake—a mistake and nothing more. Clean this mess up for me will you? I think I'm going to take a shower and sleep early. Thanks." Patting Al on the shoulder, the "vertically challenged" Elric made his way up the PINK stairs.

Sighing, Al grabbed a wad of paper towels and started cleaning up the mess like his brother told him. If his brother didn't want to talk to him about then he'd leave him be—for now at least.

That night Chibi-chan fell asleep thinking about a certain Palm Tree with two fingers pressed against his lips.

**THE NEXT MORNING **

"Beep."

"Beep. Beep."

"BEEP."



"BEEP!!"

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"

"BEEP FUCKING BEEP!!"

Al nearly dropped the precious plate of bacon when there was a loud crash and some sort of strange yell that sounded oddly like, "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU S.O.B!!"

If he were in some sort of anime, Al would've had a sweat drop attached to the back of his head.

-upstairs-

Edward Elric sat on his bed groggy, half-asleep, and pissed off. Murmuring something about goddamn alarm clocks, he practically sleep-walked to the restroom across the hall, bumping in to the wall a few times along the way, and then slammed his head in to the hot PINK. Groaning, the fifteen year old opened his door and proceeded to wash his face.

**SCHOOL **

Frowning, Ed, still exhausted, turned to his younger brother, "Are you sure you're going to be okay Al?"

The energetic fourteen year old nodded, "Don't worry Nii-san, I'll be just fine!"

Ed nodded, still doubtful, "Well, see you later."

"Bye Bye!" With that the younger Elric turned and walked towards the gate that read "Central Middle School", with a bounce in his step.

Sighing and wishing he could be as optimistic as his brother, Ed turned in the opposite direction and headed across the street towards "Central High".

It was when he was halfway down the paved road filled with other students that led to the school's main building when he felt strong arms wrap around his waist, and someone nuzzle his neck.

"I've missed you so much, Chibi-chan."

The memories of yesterday's events suddenly flooded back into him, and Ed's body immediately tensed at the voice and craned his head slowly upwards, silently hoping it was someone else. Golden eyes were met with green-black hair and purple eyes.

"Oh, hell no." If there was a god out there, he must really hate Ed.

CHAPTER 2 END



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	3. Son of a Bitch

Summary: Edward hated moving, he really did

Summary: Edward hated moving, he really did. Especially now that his dad bought a pink house, and the most popular guy at his school and the outcast has teamed up to make him popular. (this is VERY loosely based on the ultra cool drama, Nobuta Wo Produce)

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FMA OR ANYTHING IN IT. IF I DID, THERE WOULD BE A TON OF HAWT YAOI ACTION IN EVERY EPISODE!**

**Note: this is a YAOI FIC that means boy on boy, don't likey don't read!**

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

_To reach the top, that is life's goal. Surrounded by "different" people only means to not respect them, but to climb on to their carcasses to reach the peak that I yearn to grasp…but why? Why is it that I lust for this so strongly? … Because, when I am at the top…all females must wear MINI SKIRTS!!_

_Roy Mustang's third diary entry_

**Mission Impossible 4: Edward Elric**

**Chapter 3: Son of a Bitch**

There are a few essential things that human beings need to survive. They need to eat, drink, and most importantly, breathe—something of which Edward Elric was currently having a problem doing.

He panted, his lungs beating harshly against his rib cage. "Damn fucking rapist!" the words came out a desperate breath as the golden eyed teen leaned against the toilet seat, his chest still rising frantically.

Edward Elric had just spent the past fifteen minutes running away from a certain palm tree that had every intention to molest him. In his desperation, the older Elric had run into one of the male restrooms, hoping he would lose his stalker there.

Catching his breath, Ed slowly unlocked the door to the stall and peered out, his golden eyes looking for any sign of green hair. Seeing nothing, he granted himself a sigh of relief and stepped out of the claustrophobic cubicle.

He took a step outside the restroom and found himself greeted with odd stares and confused glances.

"What?" and with that laughter broke out in the hall way. Utterly puzzled, Ed turned around to look at the door he had just emerged from….odd…last time Ed checked, men don't wear dresses….

SHIT

Realization dawned on him and next thing he knew, Ed was running all over again. With his head bowed down to hide his red cheeks, he didn't realize what hit him; or rather what he hit till it was too late.

Edward could feel a small shock go down his spine as he collided into the tall figure in front of him. Being…fun sized as he is, Ed lost his balance, his small body collapsing onto the ground. He let out a small umph! and rubbed his sore backside as he lay on the dirty floor.

--

"What the—" the raven haired teen turned, trying to find the source of the impact. Nothing. But that was obviously impossible, because Mustang knew that someone or something had just hit him.

His attention was caught by a small groan from the floor. Letting his eyes trail downwards, he let a small smirk grace his lips as he bent down to his knees and held a hand out to the cute little damsel who lay sprawled there.

"Are you okay miss?"

The golden haired head snapped up, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING MISS, YOU BASTARD?"

Roy Mustang blinked, letting his mind work out the situation. He let his eyes wonder on the little "lady's" figure. Deep voice…flat chest…rough demeanor…FUCK

The senior quickly rose back to his feet and coughed, trying to keep from embarrassment.

"Well sorry kid, not my fault you look so damn feminine."

"WHO THE HELL YOU CALLING A GIRLY LITTLE KID YOU BASTARD?"

Mustang allowed his eyebrows to rise. Girl or no girl, this guy was in no doubt, PMSing. "No need to bite my head off kid. It's all just a big misunderstanding."

Scrambling to his feet, the golden haired "kid" glared at him. "For your information, I'm fifteen!"

Roy stared at him for a minute. Hell no. Not only was this shrieking banana a _guy _ he was a high schooler? What was the world coming to?

The tall teen let a smirk come to his lips once more. "Well, shrimp, just cut your hair and drink some milk, and maybe you might not run into these kinds of situations later on."

"WHO THE HELL YOU CALLING A PEA SIZED SHRIMP?"

Mustang winced, for such a small guy; he sure did have a good set of lungs. "Whatever shortie, just watch where you're going next time." Without waiting for another outburst from the small adolescent, he turned on his heel and walked away. He'd rather keep his ears intact, thank you very much.

--

Ed stood there, his mouth hanging open, at lost for words as he watched the tall teenager walk away, and he was the perfect impression of a fish at that moment, an attractive fish, yes, but nevertheless a fish.

Glaring, the Elric closed his gaping jaw and began to walk once more, hands fisted into the straps of his backpack. It wasn't till after good twenty minutes of aimlessly walking around that Ed remembered where he was suppose to be.

His gold eyes glanced at a clock that hung on one of the walls 8:10. "Shit," Ed muttered under his breath. His first period was supposed to start at 8 A.M and here he was lost in a maze of redundant white painted hallways with no clue as to where the main office was. The short teen cursed that black haired kid from before, blaming all his misfortune on the tall adolescent. If the guy hadn't got Ed so riled up and angry, he wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place.

After another long, tedious fifteen minutes, the blonde managed to find the large red door that read "Main Office" in bold white letters across its surface. Sighing in relief, Ed silently hoped that he wouldn't get landed in detention on his first day for being late. Grabbing the silver doorknob, he pushed the door open to reveal a clean, organized room beyond.

Ed allowed him a look around the room before heading forward. Like the rest of the school, the place was painted white, with a blue border, and the air smelled of fresh peppermint and coffee. Taking a few steps forward, he spotted a brown haired woman that vaguely reminded him of someone he'd see before.

Stepping in front of the desk he spoke, "Excuse me, but I—"

The brunette lady didn't bother looking up from her paper work as she interrupted him, "Edward Elric?"

Ed blinked, "Yeah, that's me."

She put down her pen, straightening herself. As she did so, Edward could tell that she was a strict, proper woman. "Principle Bradley has been waiting for you," Raising a delicate hand she pointed at a mahogany door at the opposite side of the room, "That way."

Ed nodded in understanding and turned to leave, "Thank you Miss…" he glanced at the bronze nameplate that stood on the edge of her desk, "Miss Douglas." With that, he headed for the door that she had gestured at. Breathing in deep, he reached for the door's handle, only to find himself grasping empty air and face to face with a middle aged man.

The man smiled at him, despite the scar on his face and the eye patch, he seemed like a kind man, "You are Edward Elric, correct?"

Not sure what to say, the blonde teen only nodded. The principal's smile grew, "Please, please come in, no need to be shy."

Doing as he was told, Ed followed the burly man into the furnished office, sitting himself in a comfortably cushioned chair across from his new headmaster.

"Welcome to Central High School, Mr. Elric. We are quite happy to have you here with us. I hope you have found everything here to be well?"

Ed thought for a moment. Upon stepping onto the school's campus he had been ambushed and molested by a Palm-Tree and had been force to hide in a girl's restroom without knowing it. And upon leaving said bathroom had been laughed at by the passing students and had run into a black haired son of a bitch who had proceeded in making him so mad that he was now 30 minutes late for his class. "Oh yeah, it's great."

"Well that's good to hear," Dragging a brown envelop out of one of his desk's drawers, Principal Bradley pulled out a piece of paper, his one eye skimming its contents quickly. "It seems that you have my class first period. Follow me."

Confused, Ed took his schedule from the man's offering hand and followed obediently out the door. They walked together in silence until they finally reached a door that read 305 and the principal turned to face Edward, "Here we are. Any questions before we go in?"

The golden eyed boy thought for a moment before speaking, "You…teach sir?"

The tanned man chuckled, "Yes, indeed I do. There was no other teacher around fit enough to teach AP Government so I was stuck with the job. Besides, Sloth usually takes care of all the principal business and if she needs me she'll call."

Ed looked up at the tall man, puzzled, "Sloth?"

The elder laughed once more, "I'm sorry, I meant Ms. Juliet Douglas. So, son, do you have any other questions?"

Ed nodded, "If this is your class, why are you half an hour late?"

The professor only winked at him and let out yet another chuckle before turning the knob and entering the brightly lit room with Ed following close behind. Upon their entrance, the class which had been yelling, shouting, and what not had immediately silenced.

Smiling as usual, the principal's booming voice filled the class, "Good morning children. I would like to introduce a new addition to our lovely school today. Mr. Elric, if you'd please."

Walking forward hesitantly, Ed bowed to the mass of students before him, "Hi, I'm Edward Elric." And that was really all he could think of saying.

A kid with a toothpick hanging from the side of his mouth shouted, "But sir, why is this little kid here?" A few snickers could be heard from the class and Ed was ready to start shrieking at the little auburn haired teen, but Mr. Bradley beat him to it.

"Ed here, is fifteen years old however, due to his immense intelligence; he has skipped two grades and into the senior year. So, unlike you Mr. Havoc, this child possesses a brain."

Laughter rang out through the classroom and the student called Havoc slumped down in his seat, his face red with embarrassment. Ed looked up at his Government teacher, surprised that he had defended him, "Thank you, sir."

The scarred man only smiled down at him, "Now let's see…Ah! Right over there, that will be your new seat starting today Mr. Elric." Ed's golden eyes followed the direction the older man had pointed at and there were three immediate reactions.

The son of a bitch smirked.

The palm tree grinned.

The blonde chibi screamed.

--

Thank you for reading!!

Remember to REVIEW ;D

Yeah, I know this chapter was pretty short and all but I felt that the "three reactions" part was just a perfecto way to end it. The next chapter will (hopefully) be up soon, so I guess you could look forward to that and stuff…

Oh yeah, and the poll is officially open.

Chapter 2 was more of a Envy x Ed

and

Chapter 3 is more of a Roy x Ed

and now that you've got a taste of both you can vote, who should get the adorable blonde chibi?

-Envy x Ed

or

-Roy x Ed,

THAT IS THE QUESTION!

--brokenseraphim


	4. Oh, the Horror!

Summary: Edward hated moving, he really did. Especially now that his dad bought a pink house, and the most popular guy at his school and the outcast has teamed up to make him popular. (this is VERY loosely based on the ultra cool drama, Nobuta Wo Produce)

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FMA OR ANYTHING IN IT. IF I DID, THERE WOULD BE A TON OF HAWT YAOI ACTION IN EVERY EPISODE!**

**Note: this is a YAOI FIC that means boy on boy, don't likey don't read!**

--

_I think I'm starting to love shrimp, I'm sure he—they taste really__,__ really good. With their cute little eyes and their short little legs, so adorable! —__M__akes me just want to smex them…I mean eat them. Hmmm, but maybe shrimp is a bit to__o__ bitter for me, always running away…MMMMMMMMMMM, shrimp. Damn, I'm gonna have to get me some shrimp if it's the last thing I do._

_Envy's first diary entry_

**Mission Impossible 4: Edward Elric**

**Chapter 4: Oh, the Horror!**

Edward Elric must have done something absolutely inhumane and horrible in his past life to have God hate him this much. He swore he'd do anything as long as he didn't have to walk to the back of the classroom and sit in the chair that his professor and principal had just pointed at. There was no way in hell he was going to be able to sit there for a whole semester and live to tell the tale.

"Well, Edward? Go on." Bradley gave the blonde teen a slight push to the shoulder sending him stumbling forward slightly. Nodding, the Elric did as his teacher told him and moved, walking toward what he knew would mean imminent doom. The chibi gulped, his dread growing with each and every step, and the fact that the class was completely silent and had their full attention on him didn't particularly help much. After a handful of unbearably tense seconds, Ed reached his seat in front of a rapist and next to an arrogant manslut. Sighing silently, the fifteen year old congratulated himself for being able to make it there without having a heart attack or losing his virginity first.

Smiling as usual, the one eyed professor broke the silence that had covered the classroom, "Well then, now that that's over, let us progress shall we?" he turned towards the white board behind him, "Today we…"

But Edward didn't have the chance to hear what he said next as his attention was immediately targeted at the person whose arms were now encircling his waist from behind and head was cradled in the crook of his neck. "Oh, _Chibi-chan!_" the green haired senior drawled out, "So happy you can join me."

The golden eyed adolescent stiffened, cheeks reddening, "Get your damn hands off me, you stupid Palm Tree!" he hissed out of clenched teeth.

His assaulter merely snuggled closer to his little shrimp, or at least as close as he could get with a desk between them. "Aww, Chibi-chan, you gave me a nickname, so thoughtful. But please, call me Envy." The sin whispered huskily into the flushed Elric's ear, lips kissing the lobe softly, making his toy almost jump out of his seat if it wasn't for the arms that were wrapped around him.

There was a quiet snicker from Ed's right and there was none other than the other asshole he had wanted to avoid. Ed growled at him, "What are you laughing at, you stupid arse?"

The raven haired eighteen-year old raised an eyebrow at the question, "I thought you were supposed to be smart. Obviously, I'm laughing at you." The blonde reddened further, if that was even possible. Damn these two bastards, they were obviously out to get him, their plan was probably to anger him to the point where his brain would explode.

Letting out a shaky breath, Ed began repeating, "Ignore them, ignore them, ignore them." Over and over in his head, hoping the mantra would calm him down, and eventually he had even become use to Envy's extra body heat. But his chant was soon interrupted as a crumpled up piece of paper smacked him in the head and rebounded onto the desk. Frowning, Ed looked over at the direction of where it came from and saw the black eyed ass who had insulted him earlier grinning at him, in a rather, clownish way. Frowning, the Elric picked up the slip of paper and unraveled it.

It read, "My name's Roy Mustang, pleasure to meet you." His frown deepened. Was the guy actually trying to be friendly with him? Turning the slip over in order to reply, he found the space was already occupied with a single word that pissed off Edward to no end. Scrawled across the wrinkled surface, in bold, dark letters was "SHORTY". The Elric resisted the urge to smack this "Mustang" on his head and send that stupid, handsome face of his into oblivion. Whispering his mantra out loud this time, Ed clenched his fists, reminding himself that he didn't want to create a bad impression on his first day. But his resolve was quickly worn away with Roy's continuous crinkled notes of insults which consisted of "MIDGET", "SHRIMP", and "Dwarf" along with Envy's endless molestation and licks to his neck. Frankly, Edward Elric could take no more of this torture.

Growling, Ed snapped up from his seat, a startled Envy dangling from his waist, "WILL YOU TWO ASSHOLES FUCKING STOP IT!?" The Elric panted, he was beyond pissed right now.

The entire class stopped whatever they were doing and watched the little shouting chibi, some amused others almost horrified. Bradley however, was quite irritated, although he hid it behind another one of his stretched smiles, "Mr. Elric, will you please sit yourself down and hush yourself for the rest of the period? Consider this a warning, and the next time you decide to interrupt class, I will assure you that we will be seeing more of each other after school."

Ed felt the blood that had finally left his face come rushing back. Thoroughly embarrassed, the young senior nodded sheepishly, murmuring a quiet apology, and sat back in his chair, muttering "I hope you two rot in hell," before he turned his attention back towards the scarred teacher. The middle aged man was lecturing about the basics of economics and Ed had not been able to hear a word of it.

In reply, Roy whispered back, "Well, I'll see you there, midget," and Envy simply went back to playing with Ed's pretty hair.

Another painful thirty minutes passed by with Envy's molestation and Roy's taunting, and thankfully, Ed was able to endure the torture without another embarrassing outburst. When the bell finally rang, the Elric stood up, muscles stiff, and carefully peeled away the Palm Tree's arms away from his body, muttering curses under his breath all the while. Getting ready to leave and ditch those two idiots behind, Ed took out his schedule in order to get to his next class, which, after a few precious nanoseconds, was tugged out of his hands and into the dreaded Envy's.

The ambiguous male pouted, "Awww, I only have two more classes with you, Chibi-chan!" Then from Envy's hands, it was stolen by Mustang who examined it, smirked, then proceeded to stuff it back in Ed's pants pockets. Grabbing the Elric's hand, the raven-haired teen drug him out of the classroom before the poor blonde could figure out what just happened.

The genius Elric snarled at his attacker, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Mustang? Let me go right now!"

Without bothering to look back at the angry blonde, Roy explained. "Look, I'm just taking you to your next period, if you'd rather stay behind and get raped by that drag queen," he cocked his head slightly to gesture towards the aforementioned palm tree who was a few feet behind them, screaming for his Chibi-chan, "then you're welcome to."

Ed quickly ran over his options. One- follow this conceited bastard, but get to his next class on time or two- stay behind and most likely lose his virginity. "…Right, onward it is."

Mustang smirked, "Thought you'd see it my way."

Two minutes and a sore arm later, the unlikely duo came to their classroom door, both clearly irritated. One of them because the other was clearly an arrogant prick who enjoyed rubbing their height difference in his face; and the second one because the other one was such an ingrate and wouldn't stop yelling the whole way there.

Roy groaned, as they stopped in front of the door. "Yo, Riza," he addressed a blonde girl who stood leaning against the wall, "made it on time, ne?"

"Indeed, quite impressive," she glanced at Ed and then at their interlocked hands, raising a brow and making the blonde boy blush, "and this is?"

Edward ripped his hand from the taller man's grasp, "Edward Elric, I'm a new student here."

She nodded in understanding, "I'm taking it that you were the one who was actually able to get Roy to class on time for Calculus, remarkable."

Placing a hand over his heart, Mustang spoke in a sing song voice, "Oh, Riza don't you see? I was merely helping out a troubled soul in need of help out of the unconditional love my heart."

"Yes, of course, Roy. Well, we'd better hurry otherwise your so called unconditional love will be wasted if we end up being late anyways." With that, she turned on her heel, the two males following close behind; one casually, the other hesitantly. Roy sat to Hawkeye's left whilst Ed accepted the offered seat behind the kind but strict female. Apparently, the only teacher who bothered with a seating chart was Professor Bradley, which Roy explained was because the tall, eye patched man was the only one with a stick up his ass, earning him the title of "Fuhrer" from the students.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened much that period except that Roy managed to fall asleep multiple times, drooling on the table, and each time Riza would smack him awake with the back of her hand, managing to amuse Ed for the most part. Unfortunately, the young high school student discovered that Doctor Tucker, the Calculus professor, had a strange obsession with staring at people for minutes on end and the Elric had been one of his victims that class period, those beady little eyes making him want to crawl into a corner and die.

Soon enough, the class passed by and the bell rang, with Ed not having to put up with Mustang's teasing (since he was being beat up half the time) or anybody else's for that matter. At the end of calculus, Roy bid farewell to Riza and punched Ed's arm before heading off to his own period while the two blondes started off for Chemistry with Doctor Marcoh, a man that the blue eyed girl called a pitiful old man.

The mathematics building was relatively close to the science building, which Ed supposed made enough sense. He was looking forward to Chemistry after all, like his father; he had a love for the sciences although he didn't particularly enjoy the fact that he and Hoenheim had something in common. The two seniors made it to the lab/classroom in not more than a minute. There, Hawkeye immediately maneuvered her way towards the back, the Elric following close behind.

There was a "Hey, Riza!" from an auburn haired kid which Ed recognized as the guy who had called him a kid in first period. The brunette's eyes turned toward him as Riza sat down in one of the vacant seats, revealing the chibi behind her. "You're the new kid, right?"

Ed resisted the urge to yell at the guy, "Yeah, though I'd prefer you would call me by my actual name." He hated being known as the new kid, it was so insulting and was starting to irritate him.

Havoc laughed, "Don't get a cow, man. But yeah, sorry about earlier today—but honestly, I mean you look exactly like a—"

The blonde teen glared at him, "Don't even."

"Haha, right…well come on, have a seat," he gestured to empty seat to his left, "I promise I don't bite."

"Uh huh…" doing as he said, Ed jumped over the lane of chairs to get to the next row and sat down next to him, the guy didn't seem so bad after all, a bit of a dimwit, but no ounce of actual malice in him.

The bell rang after about three minutes in which the Elric managed to discover how much of a dolt Havoc really was. The guy, despite the first impression he made on Edward, was actually a really nice, funny guy…but then again, maybe he was just dense. As the bell rang, in came a man in about his fifties or so, with a terribly kind face.

Ed frowned, "The guy looks like he's going to drop dead at any moment."

Havoc nodded his head in a matter of fact way, crossing his arms, "Yup, that's Doctor Marcoh, the poor guy's insanely paranoid, his own shadow makes him soil himself."

The chibi resisted the urge to laugh out loud, it seemed as though all of Mustang's friends were people that were fun to be around and easy to get along with, except the asshole himself.

Ed managed to live through the class without anything bad happening or falling asleep for that matter—with the help of Havoc—Marcoh was a smart man, but half the time he was looking behind him as if he was expecting that the white board to fall on top of him. Unfortunately for Ed, the period ended too fast and he had to bid farewell to Jean and Riza as they headed off in different directions.

Bringing out his schedule from his pocket he unraveled it, "Literature with…Sch…Scheee…Shhhee…"

"That's Professor Scieska, Chibi-chan," Ed turned around, he would recognize that voice anywhere, "you're so adorable when you're scared." The Elric's new foe grinned at him, "Shall we?"

The blonde put on the fiercest face he could, or at least the fiercest you can get when you have a kid's face and big round eyes, "What are you talking about Envy?!"

The green haired teen just grinned, and in a split second, he had grabbed Ed, threw him onto his shoulder and they were heading off to shit knows where. "Let go of me, damn it! Let go of me!" The Elric kicked at the assaulter to no avail, smacking the Palm tree's surprisingly well toned back. "I'm warning you, if you don't drop me this instant, I'm going to inform Bradley of your stalking!"

Though Ed could see nothing but Envy's very firm and very nice, leather clad ass, he could tell the older man was grinning, "Tch, don't think you would want to do that, Chibi-chan, you might just find out the hard way that I have a few, uh…connections in the higher ups. Besides," his grin grew wider, "I'm not stalking you, I'm just another kind-hearted student who wants to help his fellow peer get to his next class on time."

"I don't care who you're fucking connected with—even if it's the principal, I swear, I am going to kick your ass if you don't drop me right now!"

"Aye, aye, Chibi-chan," Envy tossed the short boy down, and with a small yelp, Ed found himself crumpled unceremoniously into the worn wood chair. Struggling to get to a sitting position, the Elric glanced over to Envy who at the moment, as he found someone had already occupied the seat next to where blonde now sat. Sighing, Envy leant down to the poor guy's ear, and whispered God knows what. All Ed knew was that as the poor redhead ran off to the other side of the room, he had been clutching his crotch for dear life. He made a mental note—if he ever planned on pissing Envy off, buy a cup.

The green haired teen plopped down in the chair he had just won, grinning all the while. However, Ed's attention was quickly stolen away as he found a picture of a small girl on a bike pushed into his face. "Isn't she just _adorable?!"_

The blonde blinked, very much confused he was about to answer but Envy had beat him to it pushed the almost pedophilic picture away from him, and started yelling at the black haired guy who now took up the seat in front of Ed.

Before either of the other two students could retaliate, a mousy, brown haired woman appeared before the class grasping a pair of books to her chest looking as desperate as the guy who had ran off holding his crotch.

Halfway through the class they were asked to take out their Literature text books to start a reading, unfortunately though for Ed, since today was his first day, did not have one and Envy had been more than willing to scoot his desk over next to the little shrimp. Hence that was why Ed was now twitching as the Palm Tree cuddled into him, fast asleep, his hair tickling at the blonde's nose.

The Elric had started to give up on reading (since Envy's mass of hair was covering the text) and had begun to drift off into sleep until he felt the sudden prod of someone poking his cheek. Shrugging the grogginess away Ed looked at his assaulter none other than that raven who had stuffed a photo in his face.

The senior grinned at him, "Hi, the name's Maes Hughes," he was quiet for a moment looking from the sleeping senior to the fifteen year old, "Are you two, uh…going out?"

Ed blinked, thinking that he had yet to fully control his consciousness, until he finally understood, "No, NO! We are not! this guy's just some weirdo I don't even know." The blonde hissed as quiet as he could so he wouldn't attract any more attention, but still being able to project his anger.

Maes let out a light chuckle, "Ah! So there's that temper I've been hearing about."

The golden eyed boy frowned, "What do you mean you've been hearing about?"

The grin on the taller boy's lips grew, "Roy Mustang ring a bell?"

"Ugh!" Edward growled, "Yeah, damn bastard."

The two ended up talking, or whispering, for the rest of the class period about random things, over half the time though, Hughes would bust out that photo of his god daughter Elysia, who, apparently, he found absolutely lovable. They also found out that they had the next class together: History with a Professor Curtis who apparently was sent from hell to torture them all. The two had even created a 'master plan' as the raven called it to ditch behind the molesting, leather clad eighteen year old who was currently salivating all over Ed's favorite red jacket. And thus, here they were, anxiety tugging at their nerves as they watched the clock tick by seconds to the bell.

Three.

Two.

Before the bell had even rung, the two were already sprinting out of the class room as fast as their legs would carry them, laughing as the shouts of a "Chibi-chaaaan!" followed their fleeting feet.

"Alright, this way," Maes took a sharp turn down the hallway, "I know a detour." Ed nodded, following obediently, but soon, he felt concern starting to dig deep into his gut as minutes passed of endless running, and room 104 was still nowhere in sight.

"Uh, Maes…are you lost?"

The Elysia-obsessed man stopped dead in his tracks, chuckling sheepishly, "Yeah…we're screwed."

It took another agonizingly long three minutes before Hughes could finally coordinate his steps and find their history class. Ed made for the door, but before he could grasp the handle, the bearded teen had grabbed his shoulder, shaking his head and gulping audibly, "No, it was my fault we were late…" he sniffled dramatically, "I will take punishment—tell my god daughter I love her!"

Thoroughly confused, Ed watched as the older man swung open the door, posing as heroically as possible before crumpling to the ground as a piece of powdery white chalk struck him dead on between the eyes, "Owwww!"

The Elric froze in fear as he came face to face with a black haired woman who looked as though her head was going to burst, "You little asshole, what makes you think you can come to _my_ class late and get away with it?" she said this whilst stomping on the back of Hughe's poor head, "And _you_ I don't care if you're new or not, but if you're stupid enough to follow a kid obsessed guy like this, you're obviously an idiot! Now the both of you get your asses in a chair before I punch your skulls in!"

Neither of them bothering to reply in fear of pain and proceeded to scamper towards Havoc who was sitting in the middle of the classroom, biting his lip in attempt to keep himself from laughing—a small black haired male sitting to his side. Ed resisted the urge to let out a sigh of his relief as he sat down next to the snickering brunette, this lady really didn't know the meaning of self-control.

During the entirety of the period, there was not a single sound—no mutterings of "How cute." From Hughes, no jokes from Havoc, and no outraged yell from Ed. Professor Izumi was truly a force to be reckoned with.

Edward had felt more anxious to get away from that insane teacher than when he was trying to get away from Envy and his lecherous hands—he hadn't thought that anyone could be that mental, and he didn't plan on finding out first hand. When the bell rang, the class piled out of the classroom, none of them wanting to suffer the raven haired woman's wrath. Unfortunately though, things didn't go as well as the Elric hoped, and he found himself screaming for what seemed to be the umpteenth time that day.

Longer than would ever be necessary, Ed felt warmth around his bum, a squeeze even. He immediately tensed, thinking that his green haired stalker had found him once more; however he was in for an unpleasant surprise as he was instead met with a pale skinned, black haired male, giving him the creepiest grin one can ever imagine.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Ed screamed in the attacker's face, beyond outraged. The ugly bastard just grinned at him, winked and strutted out the door, leaving the shrimp standing there in complete shock and puzzlement. "HEY! GET BACK HERE!" Edward was about to run after him and make it so that greasy arse wouldn't be able to ever make babies, but Riza got to him first.

She grabbed the blonde's shoulder and shook her head, "Calm down, Edward. Let it go, you can deal with him later, but not _here."_ Riza nodded towards Izumi who was glaring at the Elric with a deadly force, "Come on."

Still angry, Ed shut his gaping mouth and let the older girl pull him out of the classroom, Hughes, Havoc and the small raven, whose name was Kain Fuery, followed along. Jean sighed, "Damn, you just got here and that Kimblee's already got it out for you."

Ed let his eyed narrow, "You mean that bastard who frickin' grabbed my ass?"

Kain nodded, pushing his glasses up "Yup, that's Zolf J. Kimblee, complete pyromaniac and pretty much the bully of the school."

Edward glanced at the other teen who was just a couple inches taller than him, "Bully, eh?"

The group soon was joined by a big, burly guy who's Ed discovered was Heymans Breda, who was surprisingly the leader of the chess club. "Hey, what's up?" the man glanced down at Edward who was a foot shorter, "that the new kid?"

The chibi glared at the big man, though it was hardly at all intimidating from someone his size, "Edward Elric."

He nodded, "Right…Oi," he faced Maes and Riza, "Shouldn't you two be heading off already?"

Hawkeye, glanced at the plain watch on her wrist, "Right, let's go Hughes."

The bearded teen groaned, "Ugh! I hate these stupid meetings!" Riza, being the practical person she is proceeded to drag him in the opposite direction, him complaining all the while, "Bye Ed!"

Ed, naturally the clueless one, watched the odd duo disappear into the crowd as the rest to them entered the cafeteria and took a seat, "Uh…and they are going where?"

Fuery looked at the scarcely shorter teen curiously, "You don't know?" He received a glare from Ed as a response. "Oh…right, you're new. Well, they're going off to the student council meeting—they have one every Monday. Riza's the Senior class Secretary and Maes is the Senior class V.P."

The golden eyed fifteen year old nodded, "Oh, I see now…and the President?"

Havoc shot a grin at his fellow peer, "Naturally, your beloved Roy."

Ed smacked the immature man with the back of his hand, "He's not my beloved, damn it…stupid son of a bitch."

The three taller seniors laughed, Breda clenched his stomach at the frustrated look on Ed's face, "What did that idiot do this time?"

Ed's explanation which included the words shrimp, girl, and many curse words—along with Jean's random crack inputs—was met with a chorus of laughter and a handful of curious looks from around the cafeteria. The older Elric brother resisted the urge to shout, "It's not funny."

Havoc wiped a tear from his eye as the other two continued to bust their guts and slap their hands down on the table, "Oh, yes it is Ed, yes it is."

And, as usual, Edward, being the most unfortunate being on the face of the planet, was present with yet again, another tragedy. None other than that stupid ass who had grabbed…his ass before—Kimblee he believed his name was—came up, and apparently heard every single humiliating word of his humiliating story.

The oily faced, oily haired pyromaniac—Ed was surprised that he hadn't manage to set himself on fire with all that oil stuck on him—pranced up leaning into Edward's ear, nasty pizza stained breath making the young boy cringe. "You know…_Ed. _Unlike like dear, old Roy and his little Mustang, I can show you a great time."

The Elric straightened himself, though it did not add to his height much, "Shut the fuck up and get your ugly mug out of my face."

Kimblee didn't seem fazed one bit, "Oh, come now little 'un, don't be so cold." He reached up a pale hand to brush against Ed's ear. The blonde was about to smack him in the face when instead, he found himself face to face with a rather pissed off Palm Tree who's foot was currently grinding the pyromaniac's oily face against the rough plastic table.

"Touch _my_ Chibi-chan and I will personally rip off your balls and stuff them down your slimy throat."

Ed glanced up shocked at his so-called savior, "Envy—"

The entire room was dead silent as the Palm Tree dragged the new genius student out of the cafeteria, and out of sight. It was the billionth time that day alone that Ed was being hauled around by a palm tree, this time though, a very angry one, and he knew this definitely was not going to be good.

The halls that Envy was pulling him through seemed to have no end—so many unfamiliar turns and doors had Ed thoroughly confused, but soon enough, Ed found himself pushed against the tiled wall of a man's restroom, Envy's soft lips pressed harshly against his.

It took a while for the alarmed chibi to put one and two together and quickly pushed Envy off of him, and rushed over to the nearest sink to clean his mouth of the Palm Tree's saliva. The scantily clad senior let him alone for a while, but had enough and swiftly turned Ed around so the two were face to face.

"Look, Chibi-chan, _you_ belong to _me _and no one else. If I see another guy getting close to you again, I promise I will punish the both of you." Envy allowed himself to glance back at Ed's lips for a split second. The shorter teen was panting, cheeks flushed, teeth gritted, and man was it a sight—he was having much too much trouble holding himself back. "_Do you understand?"_

"No! No, I don't understand," Ed pushed the thin man further away, after all, no matter how many times he gets molested, he's a firm believer in personal space. "I don't belong to _anyone. _Not you, not that bastard Kimblee, NO ONE."

Envy opened his mouth to reply but was instead interpreted by the bell. Instead, his open mouth was replaced with a smile, "Au-contraire." Without another word, he took a few steps back, facing Ed until he reached the bathroom door. Blowing his "love" a kiss, the palm tree waltzed out the door, leaving a blushing, somewhat frightened blonde in his wake.

--

Ed sighed as he tightened his grip on the strap of his backpack, crumpled schedule in his other hand. It seemed like he was being dragged around way too much to be healthy lately (particularly by people who made his heart race, and not in a good way), and could only hope that it would not continue for the rest of the school year.

Faster than he had expected, Ed reached room 302, his Xingese class, and just as the subject described, the class was filled with Xing paintings, calligraphy, and even lanterns that were strung on the ceiling. He caught a familiar face that waved at him, and allowed himself a smile as he made his way to Breda.

"Hey," the large man whispered, sparing a cautious glance towards an old man writing at the white board, "You okay?"

Sure, so what if he met the cockiest person on Earth, was molested excessively, and lost his first two kisses to a _man_ who resembled a palm tree? He was actually making friends—and that was already way better than he had ever expected. "Peachy."

The class itself was much more interesting than Ed ever expected it to be and had got his mind off the drama and horror of lunch's events. Halfway through, Professor Fu paired up the students. Unfortunately, Ed was not partners with Breda who was to his right, but rather a black, long-haired teen who looked like he'd rather be anywhere else but there. Yes, Ed concluded, he was definitely Xingese.

Being polite, the blonde stretched out his hand, "I'm Edward Elric, you?"

The Xingese adolescent glanced at the hand than back up at the blonde, raising and eye brow and took it in his, "Lin Yao—how old are you?"

Ed frowned, hoping the conversation wasn't going to go where he thought it was going, "Fifteen—and don't say anything because you don't look any older yourself."

Lin raised his hands in defense, "I wasn't, and besides I am fifteen."

Edward brightened, "Really? So, did you skip two grades too?"

"Whoa there, don't get ahead of yourself. I'm fifteen but I'm only here because I'm advanced in Xingese—hell, how could I not? I was born there, y'know?"

Ed blinked, crest fallen, "Right." Of course Lin didn't skip the grades, what were the chances that he was the same? "So on to the assignment then?"

"Yes, let's."

At the end of the period, Ed found himself once more carefully examining his wrinkled schedule attempting to make out the crease letters sprawled across the paper's surface, "Hey, Breda where are the locker rooms?"

A noticeable shudder shook Breda's body, "J-just turn right at the end of the hall—the blue building with the purple trim. Good luck, Ed—you'll need it." Before the short senior had a chance to question him any further, the chess master scampered out the door to God knows where.

"Okay then, blue and purple—that can't be too hard to find."

And just as he had predicted, the building was not hard at all to find, in fact he would have had to be beyond blind to not notice the building. The locker room building was as impacting as his new home, and not to mention this was the _male_ locker room. Last time he checked that shade of purple was not manly— heck the girl's locker room looked a thousand times manlier!

Bracing himself and remembering Breda's noticeable expression of fear, Ed took a deep breath as he opened the bright purple door and into what he would soon deem Hell #2.

Surprisingly, the locker room was clean, sanitary, and smelt faintly of lavenders—so very manly indeed. Heading quickly to the small office, he received his locker number, 5-C, and uniform, before heading off onto his next journey to find his locker. In record time, he found the locker amidst the bodies of fellow males—the males though, that surround 5-C, did not make Ed want to cheer in the least. Lo and behold! In all their naked brilliance was none other than the dreaded Mustang and Envy, who right at the moment had turned to look at him, their lips immediately curving into a grin.

His face downcast, Ed felt fear pool into the pit of his stomach. Biting his lip, he silently hoped that neither of the two had actually recognized him—which of course, was proven false as he was glomped by a squealing figure that could only be the terrifying Envy.

The body hung from him like an ugly, wriggling leech as he continued to make progress to his locker. When he got there, he glared at the figure 5-C that was written there, oh how he hated it. Silent as a grave, he started preparing to get changed, refusing to be bothered by the _second_ demon that was there.

"Oh, Chibi-chan! I _can't wait_ to see you all naked and yummy!" Envy sang, "Oooh, here, let me help you." Ed gave him a death glare, and Envy decided to resolve with sitting there wide eyed, not blinking one bit—because, of course he couldn't miss his beloved chibi getting nude just for him.

Roy smirked at the scene, "But of course, it must be _so_ intimidating to be right next to such a sexy, hot hunk like myself."

Ed, too, gave him a death glare before kicking Envy, making him topple over, and then throwing his jacket onto Roy's head where the both of them let out an unexpectedly girlish scream, well at least, unexpected for Mustang. By the time either of them had gotten themselves straightened out their beloved blonde victim (for different purposes) was strutting out the purple trimmed doorframe.

Envy blinked once as he started to realize what was going on and then shifted to look at Roy then down to what his hands were holding. "**MIINE!" **he bellowed and leapt for the object.

Roy raised a brow at the odd, freakish growl and attack. But then again—he thought as he watched the figure sniff the jacket, even lick it a couple times—maybe that wasn't so odd; Freakish, yes.

--

Ed silently praised himself as he sped walked out of the locker room door, miraculously he had yet to make another embarrassing outburst. It was so hard to deal with an arrogant asshole and obsessive, bi-polar rapist—and it made him proud to know that he had so much control as to not have murdered either of them…yet. But then again, it was only the _first day of school. _Edward groaned at the thought, this was one hell of a first day.

To his surprise and joy, he discovered that Riza and Maes were in the same class with him…along with the other dipshit, Kimblee. Choosing to ignore the third person, he attempted to greet his two new acquaintances when something knocked the breath out of him, and once more he was being molested by a palm tree.

Inwardly groaning at his misfortune, he didn't bother to try and push Envy off of him. It was the last period of the day, all Ed wanted to do was survive, and he was already physically and mentally exhausted.

Attempting to ignore Envy's thrusting motions into his hip, Ed took a weary glance at Roy and Hughes who were currently holding their sides laughing whilst pointing at him like it was the funniest thing to ever hit earth. He gave him them a "Don't give me your shit" look before turning his attention to Envy who had ceased his humping and was now holding on to him for dear life, his body shaking, voice whimpering. Rolling his eyes, still glaring, Ed asked, "What is it this time?"

Envy shook his head frantically, eyes wide, "HE'S COMING!"

The Elric frowned at him, "What? Who—who's coming?"

The Palm Tree stared into his golden eyes, and Ed could tell his fear was entirely genuine, "THE DEEEEEEEEEVIL!"

And almost as if Envy's shrill of impending doom was a cue, there was a huge bang! Of a door being shut and the booming footsteps of someone running towards them, and in an instant the entire class went dead silent.

Ed gulped as he felt the figure behind him, who was this person who made even Envy's knees wobble in terror? But his question was soon answered as thick, tree like arms were wrapped around him and he experienced Satan's version of a bear hug. He swore he heard his ribs break in sixteen different places.

"OH MY! A NEW STUDENT, HOW ABSOLUTELY THRILLING! MY MUSCLES ARE EXCITED TO MEET YOU."

Ed gasped as he was finally let go, toppling onto the black concrete. Struggling to his feet, he panted, turning to meet his assaulter. Big was an understatement. The man was humongous, at least three feet taller than him and three times as wide. His blonde wisp of hair stuck oddly out of his head, and Edward could have sworn he saw his blue eyes twinkle with purple stars.

The giant looked down at him for a moment, "YOU SHOULD DRINK MORE MILK."

Ed froze, vein about to burst. He bit his lip so hard, he nearly drew blood, and the chorus of laughter from his classmates almost made him lose his cool and explode at the muscular man. "I—know!"

Professor Armstrong, as Ed soon discovered was his name, headed out to the front of the class to take attendance. Immediately, Envy appeared, hugging Ed and, after that experience with the insane bear on steroids, Edward realized how soft and cuddly Envy really was. "Are you alright, my Chibi-chan? Did the ugly, macho maniac hurt you?"

Rolling his eyes, Ed pushed Envy away, resisting the urge to pout— Great! Now he had an insane P.E teacher too, how lovely.

"CLASS! WE ARE NOW STARTING OUR FOOTBALL UNIT." The Elric noted that Mr. Armstrong didn't seem to have a mouth, just a twitching mustache.

Edward took a glance at Envy who had miraculously let go of him. To his misfortune, the evil Palm Tree was grinning. The word SUSPICIOUS! immediately ran through Ed's head—football…something was definitely going to go wrong.

--

Ed's team was composed of the arrogant prick Mustang, and the oily pervert Kimblee, amongst others he had yet to meet. Oh, joy. The other team, he would much rather be on. Even if it contained the hormone enraged Envy, it had Riza and Maes, and those were two people Edward could tolerate without much effort.

When Armstrong had announced the teams, Ed had thought Envy would start complaining about not being on the same team as his beloved Chibi-chan. But he was wrong, and, as if reading his mind, Envy has whispered, so only the Elric could hear, "Remember Chibi-chan, football is a _contact _sport."

Fear struck deep in the blonde's heart. Contact. Contact, was not good.

"Hey, shrimp! Get over here." Mustang's shout made Ed jump, the poor shrimp was so fearful for his virginity, his mind hadn't even registered that the raven was insulting him.

As he got over to his group, Edward pulled on one of the flags around his waist, lost in the many possible ways Envy might rape him out on the field.

"Aw, man why the hell do we have the midget on our team," Roy whined, body throwing a tantrum.

This time, it clicked, Ed put up his middle finger, "Fuck off Mustang, and put on the damn belt already."

Then, Kimblee decided to start messing with Ed. Why the hell did the world hate him so much? The blonde wanted to just start having a spasm on the ground, hoping everyone would think that he was insane and would then leave him alone. "Hey sweet buns, why don't I show you a good time?"

Ed was about to smack the greasy bastard's face when he caught Envy's SUPER DUPER SHIT YOUR PANTS GLARE™ and decided to just ignore the other senior. Sometimes, Envy's possession, he decided, could be quite useful.

--

The game started with Ed's team in possession, Roy as quarterback, Kimblee as running back, and finally Ed as a wide receiver. On the blue team, Riza was a cornerback, Hughes on Defensive End, and Envy as safety. This was going to be a good game, and they all knew it.

During the first play, Roy passed the ball off to Kimblee who miraculously dodged several of the linemen, but before actually making some good progress, was tackled face down in to the dirt by a rather pissed off Envy. Ed was quite glad to see that Kimble had a bloody nose.

Macho man instantly ran up to the scene, each step causing an 8.0 earthquake. He heaved Ed's enemy on to his shoulder unceremoniously and frowned at the Palm Tree who was currently trying to act oh, so innocent. "ENVY, WHY DID YOU TACKLE HIM? IT'S _FLAG _FOOTBALL."

Envy's jaw dropped, "_Flag Football?_ Like, oh my god! I totally didn't know! Oh! Is _that_ what these belts are for? I am, like, SO sorry."

Armstrong shook his nearly bald head,"WELL, IF IT WAS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING, THEN IT'S FINE. BUT DON'T DO IT AGAIN!"

The green haired teen gave the teacher what Ed deemed as a sickeningly sweet smile, "Of course, Mr. Armstrong! Never again."

One of the other students came up and took Kimblee out of Armstrong's reach, the man had been known to make his students "PERSERVERE THROUGH THE PAIN," and was now not allowed to "treat" any injured students. Once the two students were out of sight, Armstrong turned to Envy, and gave him a thumbs up and a fully fledged twinkle, "GOOD TACKLE, YOUNG ONE!" He then proceeded to skip away to watch another game on field 3.

--

Thirty minutes and cups of sweat later, the score was 18-12, Ed's team down. Wiping the drop of sweat that threatened to follow onto his eyes, Ed got ready to run as Roy gave him the signal for a play. There was less than a minute left and this was in no doubt, the last play, and with 45 yards to go, Ed had a hell of a sprint to do. By this point, everyone was completely exhausted, the hot sun threatening to melt them right on the spot. The only two left that were energetic were Armstrong and Envy who were so lively, Ed was sure they were on some sort of drug…

Snapping himself out of his thoughts, Edward watched as the Center snapped the ball back to Roy. Riza charged forward, he's running, and everything is complete chaos. The Elric's running as fast he could, but he reached an all time record as he saw the grin on Envy's face as he starts running towards him. Fear, instantly helps Ed know that he's not running for the game anymore, he's running for his ass.

He turned his face to Roy who was looking at him, arm reaching back, poised to throw. Ed shook his head furiously, blonde hair whipping against his back. Don't throw it to me, he thought, please—PLEASE let me keep my virginity. But of course, Mustang ignored his violent signals and threw the ball, which Ed barely even caught.

All Ed knew then was that he was running, Envy's light footsteps right on his track. Ed cursed his luck again, it was impossible to outrun Envy. As he had discovered earlier on in the game, Envy was the actually they school's fastest sprinter—and this shrimp with tiny legs had no chance. The thought quickly ran through Ed's head, and then it clicked. Why _hadn't_ Envy catch up with him yet?

The answer immediately came to him. To other eyes, the scene would seem absolutely normal in a flag football game, but Ed, the victim knew better. Envy wasn't "trying" to grab his flag. Oh, no. Ed knew by the repetitive gropes on his ass that it was definitely not the flag Envy was after.

His side, aching, Ed ignored the pinching sensation at his bum, all his concentration on the end zone just a few yards away—his team mate's cheers becoming white noise in his ears. With a last burst of what energy he had left in his tiny body, Ed leaped, soaring across the last yard, and landing on the ground with a thump, arms outstretched before him.

Eyes squeezed tight, Ed slowly opened his golden orbs, heart pounding, hoping he had suffered righteously—and finally, an ounce of luck. Just a couple inches in, was the football that his hands held in a death grip. Everything at that moment was absolutely perfect. He had saved his team from defeat, had made the tying touchdown, and didn't have to worry about any one's mocking on his height. The only problem was the weight on top of him, and the now, normal thrusting motions of Envy's crotch into his arse. Oh yes, everything was just _perfect._

--

Ed huffed as he shifted his sitting position slightly, dirt clinging to his denim jeans. Just a few more minutes he kept telling himself. Just a few more minutes and Al would come skipping out of those gates and they could both head home and Ed would be out of danger.

After his miraculous touch down, Envy had refused to get off him, pretending he had somehow lost consciousness with the last dive. Luckily, Armstrong had boldly announced that he would perform mouth to mouth and allow his muscular lungs to breathe life into this youth once more.

After the long walk back to the locker room—that included lots of molestation and a broken spine from Armstrong's "pats", Envy had continued to pester him and Roy—that bastard—even had the nerve to laugh about it. As fast as he could, the little senior had changed and sprinted out of the locker room, and now he was waiting for his brother—hiding in a prickly blueberry bush to avoid any further harassment.

Alas, out came the beloved Alphonse. To Ed's surprise, he was walking out with another kid, probably a classmate who seriously needed to comb his black messy hair. Happy that his little brother was able to find a friend so fast, Ed jumped out of the bush, making several girls scream and guys go Whoa! Running towards his younger brother, he grabbed his hand, waved to the black haired boy and proceeded to pull Al away from the two schools at a dangerous pace.

"Nii-san! Wait—what are you doing?" Al shouted, obviously distressed at being so rudely kidnapped and leaving his first friend at the new school behind.

Ed didn't bother to look back at his younger brother, "WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE."

--

When they had finally reached their home, Ed found himself starting to love the color pink. As long as he was safe from arrogant pricks and humping palm trees, he was quite happy. Hours had passed since Ed was able to escape the horrid clutches of high school and he had managed to finish all his homework, including the tediously long annotation of how innovation and production affected the government for the Fuhrer's class. He was currently enjoying a nice pile of cookies (with no milk, of course) when the doorbell rang.

"Al, get the door!"

"Don't be lazy, Nii-san! You're right there!" yelled his very intelligent little brother who was currently in the bathroom doing gosh knows what.

Ed grumbled something about cookies being more important than releasing your bladder before it exploded as he got up from the couch. He gave a long sigh as he reached the front door before swinging it open.

"Oh, hello, I'm your new neighbor and my mom baked some—"

Ed's jaw dropped. "YOU HAVE _GOT_ TO BE KIDDING ME!"

Standing there, in all his handsome, sweet, caring neighbor-like glory was Roy Mustang holding a fresh batch of fudge chocolate cookies. Realizing who he was speaking to, the raven haired teen blinked. Suddenly, warm, welcoming expression was immediately replaced with that famous, unmistakable, annoying trademark smirk.

"Well, hello there, shrimp."

--

OMFG! THAT CHAPTER TOOOK SO LONG! It is my longest chapter EVER, so far.

But yeah this chapter had a lot of stuff going on, but you know, don't first days just seem to last FOREVER?

Oh yes, and don't worry the real plot's going to start in the next chapter FOR SURE!

The polls will be open for a long time, but remember to vote for your desired couple.

Thank thank thank thank you! For reading and remember to REVIEW ;D


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